Just a Heathen

I am learning that righteousness doesn't come BEFORE we begin a relationship with Jesus Christ, it comes BECAUSE we begin that relationship. We become convicted, we stand for something, we have boundaries and morals, even if our old life was full of iniquities, we are made new.

I was once filled with sadness and despair. I believed that I was doomed, accursed even. I thought that no one would ever love me, so I sought to try to MAKE someone love me with what I knew how to do. Even if for a moment...
I was so empty. I had this hole that I was filling with depravity, which paradoxically only unearthed more unrighteousness. I always believed that I had to clean up, you know, "get good" before I could "get God". I was a bad girl trying to get good. I needed the revelation that I was a sick girl who needed spiritual healing to get well. Thank you Doctor! The Almighty Healer. I've been sober for almost 6 years, but it has been a daily process for me. Some days I take 2 steps back, but I have yet to take a drink or drug to dizzy up the world. It's like shaking a snow globe to watch the glitter fly around, but imagine that glitter falling on your arms and in your hair and no matter how hard you try, you can't get it off. That's been my struggle with sobriety. I don't go to meetings any longer. I go to church. Some scoff, some praise. That's fine. It's a choice that I have made. I am grateful to AA for giving me the avenue to walk with God again. It began opening those doors that I had boarded up.

I was what I guess you would call an agnostic, but in the deep south, I was affectionately referred to as "just a heathen". I argued that the Holy Bible was just a book, it was a few men's account of history, very well written and interesting, boring in parts with the "this one begat that one" and such. I believed that God existed, I just didn't believe that He really cared about me. I wasn't worthy of His grace and mercy, and still am not but He bestows it anyway. All I was doing was justifying my own sin and trying to convince you that what I had to say was right. In reality, I was scared to death. I was alone. If I could capture an audience with some quips, then I felt adopted for a moment. I spent more energy trying to argue idiocrasy than I did competing for understanding (which I know now I can only strive for, to minimal avail). I was my own worst enemy. I never felt a part of anything no matter what I became involved in. Any shrink can tell you that was my own insecurities and conscience.

In case you don't know how to change, you just start over. Ask for God's help. Confess with your mouth and believe that Jesus Christ is your Saviour, that He died on the cross so that all humanity is reconciled with God. He paid the price for all of humanity's sins, past, present, and future. Start today and turn away from sin. I believe that God loves this wretch. My relationship with Jesus Christ has restored my esteem. I never feel alone anymore. That, my friends is a miracle. I now belong to a body of believers...I BELONG. No one made me dress up or act right (at first), they just said, "come on, girl". So what are you waiting on? Your life can change today. Right now, if you want.