You waited...

I wonder what You saw when You made me
The day You breathed life into me
You knew my path, my depravity
I believed that I made my destiny
You are patient, You waited
You knew
You waited
While I hated
And raged
And killed me
But…
I had to die
To myself
To find
You
You waited…
That I may live.

Retrospection

I have learned so much this year. My perspective has really transformed and there is no Zoloft or Depakote or any other psychiatric concoction that could have made such a difference for me. It is all attributed to one thing : humility.

Humility ...the bursting of the ego...the undressing of all pretention...losing yourSELF and gaining yourself all at the same time. I became obedient and I submitted to the authority of God. In doing this, I was enlightened. Well, let me re-phrase that...I was made aware of many things. One such revelation has led to much introspection and then much forgiveness. I forgave MYSELF. I already knew that I had worked through a lot of what has been done to me, things I had no control over, it seemed. What I didn't know is that I have held on to more hurt than I let go of. This despondency has been my restraint throughout my adult life. The irony of this is I created the hurt. The pain that is impeding my growth is from MY misgivings and iniquity. It had nothing at all to do with anyone else. I had to accept responsibility for it ALL. This was the ceremonial bursting of the psyche resulting in my surrender. I let go. I stopped punishing myself for not being good enough, not living up to the hype, not mothering, not saving, not loving, not caring, not being responsible, not maturing, not abstaining, not doing mY PART!

We all fall short. (Romans 3:23) I keep receiving posts from some pages about God where people get angry, usually atheists and agnostics, and these people write that we portray ourselves as superior because we are Christians. I know that feeling. It's how I felt my entire life, less than, not good enough...these people are only projecting the antithesis of their own esteem. No one else MADE me feel anything. I convinced myself of the fact. Today, I am reminded that I am a child of God. “My wayward children,” says the Lord,“come back to me, and I will heal your wayward hearts.” (Jeremiah 3:22) Thank you Father for a reprieve! I am so grateful! "Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you." (Colossians 3:13)
This is my stance today. I have forgiven because I am forgiven. ♥AMEN♥